Thursday, October 28, 2004

The date fast approaches

With my wedding day fast approaching, a friend of mine sent me some rules to follow (as if I forgot them from my first marriage? ... er, right, maybe that's why I'm on Number Two).
How Men Can Make Women Happy - The Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed: +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1
You leave the toilet seat up: -5
You replaced the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2
You go out and by her extra-light pantyliners with wings: +5
In the snow: +8
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspecious noise at night: 0
It turns out to be nothing: 0
It turns out to be something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It is her pet dog/cat: -10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS AT A PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay for a while, then go and chat with a college buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

ON HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
And your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
You go with a gal pal: -5
The pal is happily married: -4
Or frighteningly single: -7
And she drives a Mustang: -10
With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED: -15

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie: +2
You take her to a movie she likes: +4
You take her to a movie you hate: +6
You take her to a movie you like: -2
It's called Death Cop 9: -3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans: -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it: +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and shirts: -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too": -800

COMMUNICATION - WHEN SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT A PROBLEM
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
You listen for over 30 minutes: +5
Without looking at the TV once: +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20

THE BIG QUESTION -- SHE ASKS YOU "DO I LOOK FAT?"
You hesitate in responding: -10
You reply, "Where?": -35
Any other response: -20
Easy, right?

Sure it is...

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