Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Mid-Week Satire: the Attorney General and lacrosse

From the What-do-you-think page of The Onion:
Following a recent disclosure that the FBI has abused its powers to spy on private citizens, some Democratic senators and a key Republican are calling for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to resign. What do you think?

I don't think we should be so quick to judge. Gonzales is a very exotic name, and having an exotically named attorney general, no matter how much tries undermine the system he is supposed to uphold, helps us appear open-minded.
And, from The Spoof, an article about lacrosse at Duke:
The players stood waiting for their chance to run onto the field. They all knew this was not just another game. For the first time, and likely the only time ever, people gave a shit about a Duke Lacrosse game.

"It was one of those times in athletics that you only see least if you're lacrosse player," commented Duke's Michael Ward. "I was trying to talk to the younger guys and say, 'Take this in. This is amazing. In all my years I have never actually seen anyone pay for the cost of admission to a lacrosse game"....

Playing their first game in 11 months, the Blue Devils beat Dartmouth 17-11 in front of a huge crowd cheering their every move, despite the fact that not a single spectator had ever seen a lacrosse game, player, or had even a remote understanding of the object of the match.

42 y/o sports enthusiast Tom Haag was there with his young son Tyner to revel in the glory with the Duke players. "I usually don't care for pansy-ass sports like lacrosse and would rather take in an NBA game where there's a real chance that a shooting might occur or a player might beat the shit out of someone in the stands. I guess this was ok. Given the serious nature of the multiple charges and all those players allegedly involved I figured I would come out and see what all the fuss is about. Geez, what a fucking letdown." Young Tyner added "Daddy can we go now, I have to pee?"

The crowd of 6,485 fans was a new school record beating the old school record of 2 by 6,483. The old record set in 1985 occurred after there was a brief flurry of interest when Duke lacrosse coach Don "Knuckles" Malone was arrested with a suitcase full of soiled co-ed underwear he had stolen from the girl's dormitory on campus.
What makes these both so funny, at least to me, is the little kernel of truth hidden deep inside.

Meanwhile, back along the path to Grandma's house...

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